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Saturday, February 5, 2011

Tomb Raider DLC

Lara came to me in a dream last night.  We had a picnic on the beach and discussed the finer points of Warhammer.  We drank ecto cooler and ate moon pies.  In short a perfect afternoon.  She also told me to buy her new DLC game which has totally violated the format of the series and is unacceptable in every way.  But I love her so I did it.

It's not a bad game.  It's also not a tomb raider game.  A tomb raider game puts you in complete control.  You can view Lara from every angle, zoom in and out.  You and her are alone.  Exploring in the deep dark recesses of the earth.  In The Keeper of Light DLC, you really only get to see your beloved up close during cut scenes.  This is unacceptable.  She also spends most of her time consorting with some native aboriginal of questionable origin whose intents appear to be somewhat untoward.  I don't like my lady galavanting about with some unclean heathen.  She's mine I tell you, MINE!


I played the game through as per her orders only having passed out from anger but once.  Thank god for valium. I immediately took an Ambien that I might return to my reverie and find some answer, some solace from my sweet.  But my dreams were wracked with images of spiders and the foul Keeper of Light evaded my angry spear throws as I sought to reclaim Lara for myself.  I awoke feeling uneasy.

So Lara.  If you're reading this.  I'm not very happy with you right now.  I may forgive you if you explain to me why you sullied my mind with these unclean images.  But know this.  The next installment of your series had better free you from the designs of strange, foreign men.  There is only room for two in the Linus Weatherby Tunnel of Love.

VR Items - IRL Monies

Like anyone who takes WoW seriously, I have raid ready Lvl 85 toons of every class, race, and spec.  Horde and Alliance.  5 of my toons are top on the server.  As you can imagine this takes up most of my time here on earth.  The problem I am running into is keeping up all my achievements and gear without supplementing my in game gold with gold purchased illegally online from gold farmers.  First of all I don't want my accounts to get hacked.  Granted I have Authenticators for each of my accounts, but still.  It makes me very nervous.  Which reminds me I am running dangerously low on Xanax and Aderal.

 I have purchased gold here and there in order to get the basics like the 100 pet and mount achievements.  Things like this are clearly necessary.  No one would take me seriously without them.  But where I am running into problems now is that there is not enough time in the day to grind mats to keep all my toons raid ready with flasks and potions and consumables while at the same time actually raiding on my toons.  Not to mention the 5 toons I am playing on Rift on the sly (forgive me, Blizz!!) and my weekly DnD group which I DM.

Even more worrisome is that on the horizon is the Star Wars MMO which I obviously must own and dominate every bit as much as I have done with WoW.  Everyone keeps telling me, "Linus you should just pick one MMO so you have time to eat and sleep and work.  It's lame that you have to supplement your IRL income to buy VR Gold by working at Subs 'R' Us on the weekends.  You look ridiculous in a hair net."  This is true.  But how can I rest when the people of Azeroth are terrorized daily by the looming threat of Deathwing's razor sharp teeth and fiery breath of doom??  Who will be there to undo his horrible dominion when they patch his encounter into the game??  Ryan's casual a$$??  I think not.  I've reviewed his application to my guild, and I'm sorry to say that he has been found wanting.  I mean seriously.  He still has a WotLK chant on his ilvl333 bracers.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!  Pathetic.


Ryan gave me his review of Bayonetta.  What a nice guy.  I'm not usually much of one for action games, but I found this one strangely..... stimulating.  In fact, I haven't felt this way since I first played Tomb Raider.  I'm going to play it through one or two more times just to really get a firm hold on it.  It's surprisingly deep.  But first I need to run to the supply closet for... supplementary toiletries. I have a cold.