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Saturday, February 5, 2011

Tomb Raider DLC

Lara came to me in a dream last night.  We had a picnic on the beach and discussed the finer points of Warhammer.  We drank ecto cooler and ate moon pies.  In short a perfect afternoon.  She also told me to buy her new DLC game which has totally violated the format of the series and is unacceptable in every way.  But I love her so I did it.

It's not a bad game.  It's also not a tomb raider game.  A tomb raider game puts you in complete control.  You can view Lara from every angle, zoom in and out.  You and her are alone.  Exploring in the deep dark recesses of the earth.  In The Keeper of Light DLC, you really only get to see your beloved up close during cut scenes.  This is unacceptable.  She also spends most of her time consorting with some native aboriginal of questionable origin whose intents appear to be somewhat untoward.  I don't like my lady galavanting about with some unclean heathen.  She's mine I tell you, MINE!


I played the game through as per her orders only having passed out from anger but once.  Thank god for valium. I immediately took an Ambien that I might return to my reverie and find some answer, some solace from my sweet.  But my dreams were wracked with images of spiders and the foul Keeper of Light evaded my angry spear throws as I sought to reclaim Lara for myself.  I awoke feeling uneasy.

So Lara.  If you're reading this.  I'm not very happy with you right now.  I may forgive you if you explain to me why you sullied my mind with these unclean images.  But know this.  The next installment of your series had better free you from the designs of strange, foreign men.  There is only room for two in the Linus Weatherby Tunnel of Love.

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